I Quit Meditation After 7 Years
Meditation is Great for Some People, Though
Disclaimer: This is not an anti-meditation article; I simply wanted to share my own experience.
How I Started
I’m a Gen Z who had a pretty great childhood, mostly spent outside. Afternoons were full of adventure: biking, running around, and playing with friends. Overall, I had a great time.
My mental well-being problems only really started in mid-high school, where challenges related to finding my identity, staying true to myself, finding true friends, and career direction began to emerge. During this period, I struggled with anxiety, depression, and loneliness — not because I was alone, but because I was trying to change myself to become someone I’m not. Coming from a simple background, I didn’t really have time or access to mental health support back then; I had to soldier on.
One particular day, I discovered Headspace, the now-popular meditation app, and the whole concept of meditation. It was an ancient art that was said to reduce suffering, help one stay present, and therefore have a happier life that would also spread happiness to others.
This was the vision in my head. That was who I wanted to become. I was scared of all the uncertainties in the world and wanted to become “indestructible” amidst all of it.
I started with five minutes a day, then ten, then twenty. There were some weeks when I stopped since I struggled to pick up the habit; regardless, I carried on. After about a year of dedication, I maintained two sessions (morning and night) of 20 minutes of breathing-focused meditation per day.
I primarily utilized the same technique, which always involved:
- A body scan
- Conscious following of the breath
- Allowing the breath to just be, and coming back to it when lost in thought
- About a minute of letting go and surrendering control over the breath (this was often where the mind went completely silent)
Re-grounding oneself through physical surroundings
Carrying On
I meditated everywhere: school libraries, hospital waiting areas, airport gates, in the car — everywhere. In many ways, my perfectionistic tendencies drove this level of consistency. I was afraid that if I didn’t keep the practice, I wouldn’t become this strong and steadfast person I visualized in my head.
After my high school depressive episode in 2018, I had another depressive episode in 2021 due to burnout, struggles with boundaries, and some perfectionistic tendencies that were not fully resolved in the first episode. I fell quite ill but was able to get through it thanks to resilience, family support, and a great therapist.
Throughout it all, I meditated my way through the process.
Fast forward to today, and I emerged from another episode, this time a struggle with feeling lost, coupled with some anxiety. I have since decided to get back to therapy after a year and a half. Being stuck in another slump forced me to reflect on my routines and way of living: what was I doing wrong? How could I change things?
Despite it being painful, I was forced to take a brutally honest look at the habit that I had always credited for keeping me “on track.”
A Reflection
After some years of diligent practice, I realized that meditation didn’t help me become a happier person. It only made me more self-aware and conscious.
I may not have all the explanations as to why, but I do know that the technique has something to do with it. The idea of noting thoughts as they come up in the mind provides a strong temptation to play “whack-a-mole” and “stop the thoughts” rather than letting them go. This is dangerous for someone with perfectionistic tendencies like myself. Instead of actually helping, it becomes counterintuitive.
So, instead of training my mind to embrace my thoughts, I trained my mind to stop the thoughts, only adding more agony to the healing process.
What Really Worked For Me?
In simple words, what really worked for me was therapy. Of all the episodes I had in my life, it was therapy and seeking support from loved ones that truly allowed me to heal.
Another breakthrough that really helped me heal was being one with my emotions. I am really disappointed by the fact that so many self-help resources perpetuate the message that feeling emotions is a form of ego hijacking and should be avoided. This is incredibly wrong, and any psychology professional will attest to the fact that it is important to feel your emotions.
Meditation is strongly marketed as a simple habit that can solve a lot of life’s afflictions. Sadly though, that isn’t the case.
Different things work for different people, and there is no such thing as a universal “one size fits all” solution.
